Loneliness

So lately God's shown me that it's alright to start praying for a wife... Which is actually a really hard concept for me. I have a hard time praying for God to give me anything, though I know many, many, many people pray that God show them their future spouse. So I know it shouldn't be such a difficult thing for me to do, but it is.

Recently I spent a couple weeks alone in Moab, UT. I needed some time to get away from life and spend a good chunk of time alone in virtual isolation. I discovered Moab as a mountain biking mecca and God even showed me that that was the correct thing to do (What's the likelihood of asking God whether going biking in Moab for a couple weeks was the right thing to do then immediately reading the words Benjamin, Moab, and Jeremiah--the name of my bike--on the same page of the bible?). So I went.

Essentially I drove to Moab, camped out, woke up in the morning, ate breakfast while staring at the amazing La Sal mountains, spent a couple hours journaling, went biking all day, came back, ate supper while staring at the mountains again, then slept and repeated. For two weeks.

It was insanely freeing, definitely the best biking I've ever done, and some of the best alone time I can imagine. Essentially I was in isolation for two weeks.

Yet while I knew I needed renewal and could easily get overwhelmed by the awesomeness of biking in Utah, I knew God brought me there for a reason: I needed to learn something.

After 10 days of being alone in the desert, I suddenly could feel it. I became the most lonely I've ever been. I began praying for God to give me strength to finish the trip without going crazy from loneliness—but my losing strength was God's plan. Everyone needs their strength to fail at some point to realize they've been hard-headed. I'd been trying to make it on my own for too long. I didn't think I really needed anything or anyone. Obviously this isn't true. God made people to love. 

After fighting my loneliness for a while, I finally realized this was my lesson. It’s pretty obvious when, at the height of your pained praying you get the message “It’s no good to be alone.” And by “at the height” I mean instantly after a specific prayer, that Brandon Heath song pops on. Not only that, but after praying this, the chorus came on to tell me “it’s no good to be alone.” So I finally got the message. Course I didn’t exactly give in easily, I’m just too stubborn. It took another random song after that along with a couple more specifically answered prayers for me to realize that maybe God actually wants me to pray for a wife…

One way or another, I’ve started.

However, as one of my brothers has often told me, he realized when he started praying for his wife, as he prayed for a woman that was loyal, faithful, etc, he needed to embody the qualities a woman would also pray for.

So I’ve also been especially introspective lately—yes for those of you that know me well, I’ve become even MORE introspective.

The primary reason I mention this is because I’ve been working a lot on regaining the faith I once had. Not to say that I’ve lost faith, it’s simply gotten stale and stagnated.

But God always helps when you ask.

I realized a couple weeks ago that my faith has always been the strongest when I’m also reading any sort of Christian based book—fiction or non-fiction. And since sometime in the spring, I’ve been thinking I should re-read the Left Behind series, so about a week and a half ago I finally started again. The first week I only read it for an hour or so at a time… but suddenly last Thursday I got majorly into it and read for hours and hours late into the night. Obviously this has been what I needed.

Even on duty today I read the second book for those four hours.

Right at the end of the book Buck and Cloe were exchanging their “I love you’s” and I’m not ashamed to say I was struck jealous. And right then I hear the words “I’m on my way back home…” Immediately my mind goes to the reminder that I need to get my faith to return to “home.” I need to return home to God… And then I look at what the song is… “Lonely People.”

Some messages are almost too overwhelming.

I know I should have patience because if God put it in my heart to pray for a wife, He’s going to allow it to happen. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later.

Suddenly my mind just returned to the thought I’ve had as my banner on my phone since I can remember… “God Provides.”